I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
