Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
