Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
