I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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