literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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