i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
