in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
