dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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