PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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