fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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