Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
