I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize