As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
