So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
