i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
