i jhust puked up my retainher.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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