Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
