can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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