She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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