You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
