Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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