My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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