I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
