apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize