In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
