Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
