So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
