I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
All the doctor said was why
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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