you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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