Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
