there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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