see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
