It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
