get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
