We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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