did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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