I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
