Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize