***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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