My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
