So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
