I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She just used a chaser for red wine.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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