she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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