Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
