If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
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