You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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