my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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