By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
