what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm determined to sit on that face.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
