Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
