12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
