the day after is always just damage control
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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