Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
