im drinking this country out of the recession.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
