You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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