I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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